Lessons From A Life I Never Wanted

Leash of Faith

2009-11-14T21:19:00.002-06:00

The grassy field stretched before me, unresponsive to my dilemma. My autistic son Nick was lost. My only help was the dog leading me. I felt doubtful. Could he really find my son? He knew what he was doing, but I was fearful he could still be wrong. But, I didn’t know where to go. My only choice was to trust him. That felt very uncomfortable.

Really, Nick was not lost. We were training with his new service dog, practicing tracking and we continue to practice this as often as we can. Someone hides with Nick while John or I used his dog Red to find him. The search starts with the bold request, “Go find it!” Once on the scent, the dog pulls me behind him. As I run behind, quietness and trust are essential, otherwise I can prevent the dog from finding Nick. We practice this search and rescue again and again to prepare for the time Nick might really get lost. We learn to calmly follow even though we feel frantic.

Spiritually, I need to learn this when I doubt God’s leading in crisis situations. I tell Him my need. Then, like a distraught mother panicked over her lost child, I continue my frenzied shouting, complicating the process. In mistrust, I yank at the leash, pulling in the direction that seems right to me, but really takes me off the trail God intends.

In Isaiah 42:16 (NIV) God promises his people, “I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths. I will guide them; I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.”
This promise stands with us when we find ourselves fearfully staring ahead at unfamiliar territory not knowing the way. God knows what He is doing. Just as our tracking dog has proven through always finding his boy during our practices, God’s leading is more reliable then my sense of direction. God sees the way to the end of the course and will lead us there.

Reflection question: What unfamiliar path may you be facing right now?

Begining of the Process

2009-09-27T19:48:00.003-05:00

Home, but not sweet home right away, at least for the canine and feline family members. We left Ohio yesterday morning and got home late last evening. Red was a super traveler, snuggling up in his appointed spot in the backseat of the van.

Upon our arrival home, it took about 30 minutes to unload the van, but about two hours to introduce Red to Sneaker, get both of their nerves settled, and establish a tolerable turf between them. The exchange captured in this picture pretty much says what's been going on the last 24 hours.

Another mom with a service dog from 4 Paws has told me, "It is a process." Now I understand what she means.

Last night, this truth hit us like cold water thrown in our face. We had these grand illusions of bringing Red to church with us this morning and perhaps out to the restaurant as we celebrated Joey's birthday, but after our arrival to reality last night we realized that would be pushing it too fast. It would be like expecting someone to get started on their work day 12 hours after they have relocated from the place they were born and raised and thrown into an entirely different living situation. The words, "Take it slow to start with," from our training director Jeremy rang clear.

Yes, it is a process, and as I have learned in the fundraising for Red, I miss so much if the end of the process is all I focus on. There is much more peace for me and so much to be gained through being content with the process itself. An example I think of right now is my dad, recovering from his stroke under transitional nursing home care. The end goal is for him to be able to return to his living situation with my mom, but there is a lot of work in getting there. As I look at the process, though difficult, I see my dad's determination. I see my mom growing as she asks others for help through this. I see how we as a family are pulling together. There is so much in the day to day process of his recovery that we need to pull back to and learn from. The lessons we learn will condition us for the next thing we face.

Patience and waiting go against the grain of life, but a verse in Scripture makes it clear: "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength." So wait we will. It makes us stronger.

Service Dog Training Day Ten: Graduation

2009-09-25T19:30:00.004-05:00

Four months of fundraising, nine months of waiting and two weeks of training brings us to the day we have been waiting for: graduation with Nick's autism assistance service dog.

After the certification test at the mall, we, along with nine other families from across the country came back to 4 Paws for a graduation ceremony shared with the 4 Paws staff and foster families who had some of the dogs in their home for part of their training. It was a celebration for us all. Each family was brought on "stage" and presented with a certification certificate. There were rounds of applause for each service dog team. Smiles, laughter, congratulations and hugs were shared among families and staff. We shared final conversations over graduation cake and food, and said good-bye.

As we drove out of the 4 Paws parking lot for the last time, I couldn't help but feel a tug in my throat. I said to John, "We will never repeat experience exactly like this again." Even if we do service dog training again, it will not be the first for us, like this was. It will not be with the same experiences or group of people.

These two weeks of training, with both the ups and downs, are one of those moments in the life of disability that makes us thankful for Nick's autism. It is a moment of a rich observation of life that we would never know without special needs. We thank God for the blessing of those moments.

Now we pack and get ready to go home where yet another new chapter unfolds in this journey with our new family member. I think there will be more of those meaningful experiences to come. And a lot to learn as well.

Service Dog Training Day Nine

2009-09-24T16:18:00.003-05:00

We felt the sobering reality today through a remark from Karen, the director of 4 Paws. "The first year of handling a service dog is not all fun and games," she said. "It will be a year of learning. It will be a year where you will make some mistakes." But she also assured us that in this first year we will become refined service dog teams.

And so with that advice, today we started the wrap up on training. This morning we practiced our final outdoor track and reviewed obedience skills. This afternoon we had class with several of the 4 Paws staff, including Dr. Suzanne the 4 Paws vet. Here she shows us how to do a general exam on a dog to check for problems.

We've gotten the information, practiced our skills, and tomorrow we take the dog handler certification test and conclude with graduation. Then we reenter the real world with the assignment of using the things we have learned. It feels a bit scary. Yet, it is reflective of a real life life principle: it is one thing to know something from book knowledge. It is quite another thing to take what I know and actually put it into practice. Putting that knowledge to work is what makes me grow.

Service Dog Training Day Eight: Special Sibs

2009-09-23T22:42:00.006-05:00

The big test is coming in two days and we need to get ready. Our training with Red concludes with a public access test with Jeremy, the training director at 4 Paws. We have to show that we can handle our dog out in public. Upon doing so, we receive certification as a service dog handler.

Someone else has been studying these two weeks. That would be Nick's older brother Joey. The timing of training was tough for us considering Joey's needs. After 9 years in a K-8 small school, he was starting as a freshman in a big high school. After his first week in a new school, we were hauling him off to Ohio. We debated the options, but they were limited. Ultimately, we wanted Joey to be a part of an experience that he would probably remember the rest of his life. So often, in a family with special needs, so much attention is directed on the child with the disability, that the child or children that are typical can feel left out. This was a time we didn't want Joey left out. We love that he's with us. He has done his best to keep up with his studies, doing some of his schoolwork with us while we are in class (above left picture) and in the evening when we get back to our hotel.

A special needs sibling myself, my instinct has been to want to protect Joey from the challenges of living with a brother with a disability. Over time, however, I have realized that while there are challenges and losses for Joey, there are opportunities to grow in character qualities would not develop as well if his brother Nick were typical. As a parent, I want my child to turn out with respectable qualities. Ironically, I want to protect him from the challenges that are the place those qualities grow.

It seems this principle not only applies to special needs siblings. It applies to me to. Life difficulties seem to shape me up the best.

Service Dog Training Day Seven

2009-09-22T21:45:00.004-05:00

I took my first solo practice run with Red tonight on a quick trip to Walmart. With no trainer to lean on, or even John there to back me up, I realized that while I know a lot more about handling a service dog than I did a week ago, I still have a lot of confidence to gain. And that's what it takes, practice, practice, practice. The trainers at 4 Paws encourage us to practice like this out in the public as much as possible while we are here at training. They want us to do this to expose us to situations that we just don't think of in the classroom. It also helps us to get to know the personality of our dog. In class, we can thus discuss the things we encoutered in the "real world" and the trainers give pointers on how to deal with it. With this, I have a heightened appreciation for cell phones and email which keep us connected with the 4 Paws trainers long after our class!

The big truth in this little illustration about service dog handling is that when we face, and not back away from, uncomfortable or new situations we grow the most. We become stronger and more confident.

On a lighter note along this same idea, I share pictures of at least two of the resident cats at 4 Paws: Zoe (in the blue chair) and Chloe (on top of the paperwork). They have been strolling among the dogs the past few days while we've trained. They live at 4 Paws to condition the dogs that go to homes with cats in them. It's a little amusing, but notheless along that same idea. The dogs' continuous exposure to these cats has prepared them for what could be a really challenging situation in their new home. It could be a lot worse had those cats not been put in front of them.

Service Dog Training Day Six

2009-09-21T20:41:00.004-05:00

I'm at the store with Nick, just looking at at an item on the rack for a few seconds. Then I turn around, and he's gone. Panic kicks in. My heart racing, I run down the isles looking for him.

This has happened, more than once. Fortunately, we've always found him, but after today, we have some help, and a lot less panic to face. We went back to the mall to day and practiced tracking in a department store. One of us hid in the store with Nick, while the other, with guidance from a trainer, took Red on a track through the store to find Nick. Using a much shorter leash than an outdoor track, so we don't tangle up other shoppers, Red found Nick in about 45 seconds with each track we practiced.

Today we also learned different commands through which Red can help Nick with behavioral and sensory issues. In the first photo on the right, John is pretending to have what could be a crying or anger fit: what we would call a meltdown. Red intervenes with a "nuzzle" to distract him from this behavior.

In the pictures below, we are practicing the "over" command. Here we tell Red to stand over us and then go down on any part of the body where deep pressure is needed. Nick, like almost all children with autism, has a sensory integration disorder. These means that his way of sensing what is going on around him is distorted. One of the things that calms him is deep pressure. When Nick is overstimulated, hyperactive or frustrated we can use this "over" command to help calm him. At this point, Nick is pretty skittish with Red, just running up to him now and then to touch or pet him, so this command is something that we will have to work on over time. As their bond builds, Nick will be more trusting of Red to let him do this.

We also learned how to teach Red to respond to certain behaviors of Nick's, so that Nick can be corrected, or we can be alerted to intervene. For instance, Nick steals food from the fridge a lot. By teaching Red to "touch" (put a paw up on Nick to stop him) and "bark" (to alert us) whenever Nick opens the fridge, Red is doing what he can to stop Nick and let us know that Nick is getting into trouble. Again, we will be successful with this once the bond builds (a process that takes several months) between Nick and Red, and Red is more observant of what Nick is doing.

Service Dog Training Day Five

2009-09-20T22:09:00.003-05:00

For hours at a time, Nick can sit in solitude and look at books. He looks through the same stack of books over and over, page by page. Each time, it's as if he's reading the book for the first time.

Motivating Nick to engage in other things requires constant work. With his love of tennis balls, it appears Red has taken up some of the task. I guess the picture pretty much says it all. "Nick," Red might be thinking, "I've retrieved the ball and brought it back to you. Could you throw it again?" Every day we've been working on this bonding activity between Nick and Red. Tonight, Nick and Red had a blast.

2009-09-20T21:58:00.002-05:00

Here's trivia this mom likes. All dogs, including service dogs, view their families as a pack and either assume the position of pack leader, or are submissive to the the family member they view as the pack leader - or the one who bosses them around the most. The person they view as the pack leader is the one they follow around. This picture is telling of who the pack leader is in our house. Ha.

Service Dog Training Day Four and Five

2009-09-19T20:46:00.004-05:00

Skin cells tell Red how to find Nick. Humans shed 10's of thousands of skin cells a minute. Humans have 5 million olfactory cells. Service dogs bred to do tracking have up to 225 million olfactory cells. This super sized smelling power of autism service dogs enables them follow the trail of the shed skin cells of the autistic child that has wandered off, and find him or her.

This is a summary of what we have been learning in the last few days from Jeremy, the training director at 4 Paws. After lots of classroom explanation, we have gone to a different parks or fields every day to practice. Red and the other dogs have memorized the scent of 4 Paws trainers. In the past three days Nick has been sent out to hide with a different trainer and family member each day. The purpose of rotating people that hide with Nick, while having Nick go out every day, is to help Red pick up the consistent scent of Nick. Today Nick was sent to hide without a trainer and with just his dad John and brother Joey. Red did a very successful track, finding Nick within 2-3 minutes. This signifies that Red has Nick's scent memorized and will hold it in his memory for 2-3 years. To keep Red's memory fresh, all we have to do is practice, and he will remember it again for a couple of years. Nick's dad and mom, however, have a lot of practice to do to learn to read Red's tracking skills. This is something we may have to do almost daily for the next month or two so that we are completely comfortable with it if the time ever comes when Nick is lost and we are panicked. To the dog, tracking is a game. To parents, it's a skill that could save their child's life.

I lack the skills to run behind Red while he's tracking and take pictures at the same time, so I got a picture of another family doing a track with Jeremy and another trainer (picture on the left). The picture on the right is us waiting our turn for tracking along with other families.

2009-09-19T20:31:00.005-05:00

This is the first time in 14 years we have had this much freedom at the mall with our kids! Wow! The 4 Paws trainers took us to the mall yesterday to practice heeling with our dogs. We decided to tether Nick to Red as we practiced with Red and they both did great. We walked and walked without having to grab Nick once. We had the luxury of being able to stop and talk with people, browse, window shop...all this and more without needing to hold on to Nick or him getting restless. Nick did pull against the tethering strap during the his boredom with waiting and Red stayed in his down and held him like it was no big deal (picture to the left). Again, thanks to all who helped this become reality for us.

Day Three of Training

2009-09-17T20:39:00.004-05:00

The mall, grocery store, amusement parks, crowds, sporting events, here we come for today we learned the basics of tethering! This skill from Red will change our lives in big ways. Up until now, if we try outings like this, John or I need to be constantly prepared to grab Nick by the arm or hand when he tries to run away. Sometimes, because it can be too much work, one of us just stays home with Nick. With Red's capability to be tethered to Nick we have a new found freedom. Tethering involves the use of a special leash of which one end is attached to Red and the other attached to Nick. As the handlers, John or I walk with Red and Nick follows along (pictured above). We feared Nick may be resistant to this, however, much to our surprise today, he was all smiles, even holding on to the tethering leash and following. This gives him freedom too: freedom from our death grip.

More pictures from today are below.

2009-09-17T20:29:00.002-05:00

Jennifer, one of the 4 Paws trainers shows us to put our dogs a "place." A "place" is a portable mat (blue in this picture), on which we instruct the dog to sit until we allow the dog off the mat by saying "free." Settings we would use this "place" command would be those in which Nick and Red are together, but Nick doesn't need to be tethered to Red. Examples would be at the pool, during an activity at school, or during mealtime at home when Red does not need to be at the table with Nick.

2009-09-17T20:06:00.003-05:00

We're practicing a "down" with Red during lunch. A "down" is where the dog stays in a down position on the floor until you give the command of "free." This is a command we will use whenever Nick and Red are in a place such as a resturaunt, church or class at school. As we progress through training, we will be tethering Nick to Red when he is in this down position and this will help keep Nick in his chair. Red did very well and stayed under the table in this position during our whole lunch time.

Service Dog Training Day Two: Stand Firm

2009-09-16T21:35:00.004-05:00

Without wavering, the dogs stayed committed to their laying position on the floor. Given their "down" command, they knew what to do. We walked over them and around them. We poked them, played with their ears, pulled their tails and anything else agitating our kids could do, and the dogs stayed on the floor. They knew their job and they stuck to it, no matter what.

This practice in commands and obedience - one of the many that we reviewed today - speaks to me about standing firm when the pressures of life come on, like those times temptation is all around me, and the agitating and sometimes painful things of life prod me. I'm tempted to give in to the things this world can throw at me, thus feeling discouraged, defeated and depressed. I can overcome these things by standing firm in the things that I know to be true. I can stand firm in my faith. But, like these dogs, it takes lots and lots of practice. And the practice does show after time.

Day One of Training: Dog Meets Boy. See the video

2009-09-15T17:52:00.005-05:00

View the video of Nick meeting Red! Click the following You Tube link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLepFv5Kzv8

Day One of Training: Dog Meets Boy

2009-09-15T17:47:00.003-05:00

Nick and Red meet for the very first time. "Amazing," does not even come close to describing the moment. Among the hundred things I could say about today, I'll say one, and that is, never give up on a goal that seems impossible. That moment may come that will make it all worth it. This moment was a "worth it" on for us. THANK YOU to all who helped in many ways to make it possible.

Have a video of this, but ill-tempered wireless is making it difficult to load. If we can get it to work later, we will post it. Pictures below are a summary of what we learned today.

Day One of Training: Dog Meets Boy

2009-09-15T17:38:00.002-05:00

Here the head trainer, Jeremy demonstrates with another service dog the "down" position. This will be used when Nick tries to run away from us. On command, the dog goes down and holds Nick from escaping. If Nick is strong enough, he, at best well drag Red behind him while he's down, but with Red at 70 lbs and growing, I don't grant Nick much luck. Here, Jeremy was able to slide this dog, Wisper, across the floor, but not real fast. Wisper smirked as if it were a fun game, staying down the whole time.

Day One of Training: Dog Meets Boy

2009-09-15T17:21:00.004-05:00

Learning commands like "sit." This is Red with the trainers who are demonstrating how he and the other autism dogs stay in a sitting position even when there is a lot of activity. Here, the trainer in the gray shirt is jumping around and running back and forth just like Nick does. Red calmly stays in a sit the whole time. The running that this trainer is doing is imitated from a video we took of Nick and sent to 4 Paws for them to "condition" Red to Nick's behaviors.

2009-09-14T22:02:00.002-05:00

My cell phone rang yesterday as we were driving out of Minneapolis/St. Paul on our way to 4 Paws for Ability in Ohio for the training of Nick's service dog. The excitement of our trip crashed with the news my sister called to share. My dad had a stroke that morning and was in the hospital. He was stable, but surgery was a possibility. A diabetic, this is dad's second stroke, and at 83, he's had increasing health concerns.

Driving away from my dad's situation was very heart rending. At the same time we were heading towards a moment we've been waiting for for months. The balance felt strange. As we drove, and I processed, I realized right now there isn't anything more I can do for him at home than I can here in Ohio. I can't cure him in either place. I can't fix his situation. Worrying won't change anything, and in fact does not help me. If I were at home, I'm not even sure we are at a point yet where I should drive the four hours to help out my sister and parents. Ultimately, the big idea is that I don't have control. And my peace doesn't come from the things that I can think of to do to help my dad's situation. That's my false sense of security. My peace ultimately comes from a God higher than I, not any "doing."

And so, we arrived in Ohio today. Me, thinking these things about my dad, and also crazy with excitement about meeting Nick's service dog Red tomorrow. What a strange mix.

Hey Look!

2009-09-12T21:51:00.006-05:00

I was so excited, I had to tell someone the news. I swung around in my chair and grabbed the arm of the charge nurse who happened to be walking by. "Look! Look at this!" I said, pointing at the picture on the computer screen. "This dog ... He's going to be my son's autism assistance service dog! See him?"

It was the beginning of the evening shift at the hospital where I work, and I thought I'd take a quick peek to see if the long awaited email from 4 Paws for Ability had come, telling us which dog Nick would get. With training less then two weeks away, it was due and both John and I had been glued to our inbox for days. Now, just as I was to start work, there it was.

We got Red, a German Retriever from the River litter, thus named after the Red River. He's 70 lbs, 16 months old. He's all about tennis balls. We've almost been like new parents, showing pictures, telling everyone about him. There is a joy and relief at finally seeing Nick's service dog after our fundraising ventures and then months of waiting. And then before the fundraising, the long time it took me to get started out of fear that enough funds could never be raised. If that fear had won out, we certainly wouldn't be heading to train with Nick's dog in Ohio in a few days and wouldn't have learned things we will never forget through our fundraising experience.

And so that is why there is so much excitement about Red. We want to share the good news. As I think about Red, I think about a teaching at a recent Joni and Friends Family Retreat - retreats for families affected by disability - that we went to. We heard about not being afraid to share the good news in our life, of the things that we've learned, of breakthroughs that we've made, of insights we've learned, of challenges overcome, of personal change, and as I think of my own faith, of what God has done in me or those around me. Often I hold back from saying, "Hey, look here, look at this; look at this change in my life and what I have learned. Look!"

Fear holds me back. Fear of it being too personal. Fear of what others may think. Fear that what I have to say might be rejected. But, as our excitement with Nick's new service dog illustrates, saying, "Hey look; look at what I am learning and seeing in my life," just may draw some interest. When others see something worth being enthusiastic about, they may be interested too.